Twisted Piece of Crap

This essay originally ran in the Comics Journal.
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Metamorpho Year One
Dan Jurgens, Mike Norton, Jesse Delperdang
DC Comics
softcover/color
142 pages/$14.99
9 781401218034

One of the first comics I read was The Brave and the Bold #154, featuring Batman and Metamorpho. Metamorpho had hardly any face time, as it turned out, but his brief appearance made a decided impression. Bob Haney’s plot had the element man wearing jodhpurs and consorting with Turkish drug dealers while spouting supposedly hip but actually dadaesque lines like, “Wowee! Kaman kiddo wasn’t kidding!” Meanwhile, Jim Aparo drew that malleable body from all sorts of bizarre angles — an almost unreadable shot upward through telescoped metal legs; a vertiginous shot from above with Metamorpho’s mouth gaping open as a baddy shoots a flamethrower down his gullet. Both artist and writer were clearly having a blast, and their enthusiasm for the character was infectious. I wanted to read more about him.

I never did though. Oh, I read a fair number of comics featuring Metamorpho, but none of them had anything like the charge of that first meeting. Still, even with my expectations suitably lowered, Metamorpho: Year One is quite, quite bad. Jurgens and Norton switch off on the drawing chores, but neither of them takes any advantage of Metamorpho’s visual potential. Everything looks CGI, with limbs turning into smooth blades or smooth drills — it’s like Metamorpho’s a bottom basement Terminator. Nobody here can even draw mildly successful cheesecake. Sapphire Stagg, the Metamorpho mythos’ gratuitous sex bomb, has the requisite blond hair, big bazoongas, and lack-of-attire, but through the miracle of stiff poses, shaky anatomy, incompetent stylization, and godawful computer coloring, she still ends up looking as sensual as a hunk of plastic.

Dan Jurgens’ story is, if anything, even worse than the art. Rex Mason (the guy who turns into Metamorpho) has all the personality and gumption of a wilted houseplant. The evil Simon Stagg tries to kill him? He gets so mad that he…whines a little. The beautiful Sapphire Stagg doesn’t want him anymore because he’s all, like, ugly now? He gets so mad that he…whines a little. And when the Justice League tricks him into thinking he’s fighting a deadly super-villain and then brags about how clever they were, Metamorpho…tells them how super-heroic they are. Oh, yeah, and then he whines a little. Peter Parker had angst; Metamorpho has querulousness.

Still, I’m not in any position to whine myself, I suppose. To read a comic based on your affection for a character you first encountered 30 years ago is pretty much begging for disappointment. I guess I momentarily forgot that the whole point of super-hero comics these days is to sully the childhood memories of paunchy middle-aged fanboys. At that mission, at least, Metamorpho: Year One succeeds admirably.

Update: I confused Star Sapphire and Sapphire Stagg in the original post. I bet they get that all the time.

Soooo Dreamy

I’ve just started the fourth Twilight novel, now, and I have to say, I’m really pretty into them. I think the third was maybe the best one. There’s a pretty great conversation where Edward explains that he wants to wait to sleep with Bella until after their married because he’s worried about her soul…and, okay, I’m a big sap, but I thought that was really sweet. And then, at the end, there’s a pretty great moment where he says, more or less correctly, that his efforts to protect her have all gone horribly awry and he’s an idiot and they should just do whatever she wants to do. I don’t know; there are a bunch of moments like that. He starts to seem vulnerable for the first time in this book, and human, which makes their relationship more real.

I’m still processing it…but I definitely like it way more than Harry Potter…and, I mean, it kicks most of Marvel and DCs output all to hell. There’s not even a comparison there.

Davis Minus Davis

The following article ran in the comics journal a while back.
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Jim Davis
Garfield Minus Garfield
Ballantine Books
128 pages/color
softcover/$12.00
9780345513878

Jim Davis
Garfield: 30 Years of Laughs and Lasagna
Ballantine Books
287 pages/color
hardcover/$35.00
9780345503794

Garfield should be better than it is. Jim Davis is not and has never tried to be a great artist, but he is a talented cartoonist,. Flip through Garfield:30 Years of Laughs and Lasagna and you will see slapstick humor executed with hyperbolic panache (Odie’s tongue stuck to an ice-cold street lamp and then stretched across an entire Sunday spread is a stand-out.) You’ll read some solid schtick: (“Irma, is this tea or coffee?” “What does it taste like?” “It tastes like turpentine.” “Oh, that’s our coffee. Our tea tastes like transmission fluid.” Badabump!) You’ll even find the occasional moment of surreal brilliance (on an island vacation Jon’s palm-frond skirt is devoured by an infestation of leaf weasels.) The visuals are inventive and flexible; Davis is able not only to draw, but to render instantly recognizable, everything from a Baroque archway over a mouse hole to a Mongolian mime fish — the last of which is pretty much exactly what it sounds like it should be. In other words, all the elements are present for consistent, day-in, day-out, high-quality laffs.

Alas, it’s that very consistency which ultimately drags the comic down. Not that Garfield never delivers; I chuckled more than once while reading through this book. But three decades is a long, long time. To remain entertaining over that span, there needs to be change as well as continuity. Charles Schulz managed to go on, and on, and on by continually introducing new characters — Lucy, Linus, Woodstock, Peppermint Patty, Sally, Rerun, Spike — and revising old ones like Snoopy. Berkeley Breathed and Gary Trudeau had continuity; their characters existed in a loose but ongoing storyline which helped to place even repeated gags in different contexts.

Garfield, though, was, right from the beginning, more in the vein of crotchety warhorses like Beetle Bailey. There’s a fat, sarcastic cat. There’s Jon, his hapless owner. Shortly thereafter there’s Odie the stupid dog, and a few other ancillary characters — Irma the waitress, Nermal the cute cat, Pookie the teddy bear. And then that’s it. For ten, twenty, thirty years. Reading through this collection, the repetition across the decades is first amazing and then numbing. There’s one wow-coffee-makes-you-bonkers! gag…and then there’s another…and, yep, it still-makes-you-bonkers! It’s telling that when Jon finally, finally, after twenty-five years gets a girlfriend, it’s Liz the veterinarian, the sardonic woman he’s been pursuing almost that entire time. Another writer might have…I don’t know, made up a different girlfriend who hadn’t already shown herself entirely uninterested? Not Davis, though. Why draw somebody new when you’ve got a perfectly good character design just sitting there?

Davis shows the same level of creative attention in choosing his 30 favorite Garfield cartoons for the end of this volume . He predictably picks the strips debut…and after that one, he seems to make his selections entirely at random. They’re all just decent gags, like any other decent gag. Of course; what else could they be? The strip has no milestones, no events. Not only is nothing happening now, but nothing has ever happened, or will ever happen. It exists in an eternal amnesiac present.

This is what makes www.garfieldminusgarfield.net such a brilliant coup. In the last few years, some Internet users and bloggers started to digitally remove Garfield from the Garfield strip, leaving only poor Jon Arbuckle talking to himself. In 2008, Dan Walsh, an Irish musician and businessman, took the idea to the next level, systematically altering strips and posting a new one every day.

The result is that Garfield’s greatest weakness — its monotony — suddenly becomes a strength. Hammy sit-com vaudeville turns into Beckett — which makes it both more poignant and a hell of a lot funnier. Jon and Garfield threatening each other with sock puppets is fairly amusing; Jon brandishing a puppet at nothing and then sinking into utter lethargy is absurdist genius. Even the art is startlingly improved. When you take out the main character, the strip suddenly starts to use negative space as if it had taken an intensive design class. A three-panel sequence will often have two squares of nothing; just a primary color and a single line defining a table top. When he does show up, Jon is pushed to one side of the panel or the other, dramatically isolating him. Visually, it’s daring and funny, and perfectly captures the emptiness of Jon’s sad and lonely existence.

Walsh’s site became an internet sensation, and then began garnering mainstream attention as well. Soon enough Davis discovered it. To his eternal credit he didn’t issue a cease-and-desist order; instead, he co-opted it. The result is Garfield Minus Garfield — a book featuring Walsh’s de-felined efforts next to the original Davis strips which spawned them. Davis even tries his hand himself, personally eliminating the cat from several of his own comics. In fact, once he started with the erasing, Davis enjoyed it so much he employed it on the book’s cover as well, cheerfully blotting out Walsh’s byline. Garfield Minus Garfield claims that it is “by Jim Davis”; Walsh is credited only with the introduction, and as the creator of www.garfieldminusgarfield.net.

In some sense, Davis is right to claim full credit. What’s most fascinating about this volume is that it shows the extent to which Walsh’s transformed strips are true to Davis’ vision. Indeed, the majority of altered strips feature Davis’ jokes, essentially as he wrote them. It is Davis’ Jon who has spent thirty years without being able to find a girlfriend; it’s Davis’ Jon who stays home alone on Friday nights playing with Scotch tape or staring vacantly at the wall. It’s Davis’ Jon who says, “What is the purpose of life?” and then hits himself in the face with his own ice-cream cone. Walsh isn’t engaged in détournment; instead, he’s creating brilliantly inspired fan-fic. As Walsh himself notes in his introduction:

“…Jon has always been talking to himself. Garfield never really answers because his replies are always just thoughts… Jon has always been telling us these things; it’s just that with Garfield there you’ve been distracted from the truth: Jon needs some help!”

So Davis is an underappreciated genius then? Well, no…not exactly. Walsh is right that Jon is talking to his cat…but then Garfield’s not a real cat. He’s a cartoon character. Though his words are always in thought bubbles, he and Jon clearly are able to communicate much more effectively than I can talk to my two Siamese. When Jon and Garfield are together, they’re a routine; with Jon as the eternal straight-man for Garfield’s dead-pan zingers.

When Walsh takes Garfield away, though, you lose that stand-up frame, and have to start thinking of Jon as an actual person. In many cases, what this gives you is simply the slapstick without the final snarky putdown. “I had a pretty good day today. (Beat.) Once I got my leg out of the bear trap,” works pretty much the same whether or not you have Garfield around to add “Jon never disappoints me.” The Davis-created Garfield Minus Garfield strips in the second part of the book are almost all of this sort; the joke is the same in both original and revised strips.

Walsh takes this route too sometimes. But the best of his efforts are the ones in which Garfield was more intrinsic to the original gag, so that, when he is removed, Jon is left overreacting to nothing but his own troubled psyche. Thus Jon takes a sip of soup…looks horrified…and then collapses weeping. Jon lies on the floor…and lies on the floor…and lies on the floor. Jon says, “Do you have any unfulfilled dreams?” and then sits there silently for two panels. In at least one instance, when Jon seems a bit too witty, Walsh gratuitously removes a punchline.

The point is that the genius here is Davis’ — and it also isn’t. Borges has a short essay in which he argues that Edward Fitzgerald’s translation of Omar Khayyam’s Rubaiyat was greater than anything either could have done alone. “[F]rom the lucky conjunction of a Persian astronomer who ventures into poetry and an English eccentric who explores Spanish and Oriental texts…emerges an extraordinary poet who resembles neither of them.” Something like that seems to have happened here as well. Davis is an aesthetically dicey mainstream cartoonist; Walsh is a wannabe rock-and-roller who never hit it big. Together, though, they are, as Borges said, an extraordinary poet. Erase Garfield and you are left with a Davis who is just the same, only funnier.

Partially Congealed Pundit: Statement of Purpose

I wrote this in 1998, I think, when I was unsuccessfully applying to MFA programs. I actually used this as my Statement of Purpose. It was published in the Chicago Review a couple of years later.

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Statement of Purpose

(adapted from The Artist’s Way: A Spiritual Path to Higher Creativity by Julia Cameron with Mark Bryan; Media Marketing: How to Get Your Name and Story in Print and on the Air by Peter G. Miller; and from the graduate admissions and promotional materials of writing programs at Brown University, Stanford University, the State University of New York at Buffalo, the University of Houston, the University of Illinois at Chicago, the University of Michigan, and Washington University in St. Louis)

To write is to bring representation and the suggestion of scientific method to the marketing of enlightened self-promotion. It is to be intimately connected to a high-tech ecosystem which overflows organically into a newer, better Graduate Record Examination. That is why, as a writer, I am a talented person. I reparent the artist-child who yearns to be a recognized authority; I pay too much in order to wear weird self-empowering clothing; I think of the universe as a vast electrical sea and of myself quoted in a national magazine. When I — a peripatetic Jungian — go to your cultural mecca to explore the beautiful irreverent shorthand of a profound, profane corporate brochure, the snowflake pattern of my soul will emerge, and, spiritually unblocking, I will become a controversial activist for ethnic and gender collages.

My life has always included strong internal directives. Well-packaged ideas, I call them. Although not always filled with sex and violence, they combine the comfortable nondenominational noncourse educational experiences of Poet Laureate Robert Hass with the sensuous television consciousness of solvent self-affirmer Sharon Olds, and accompany these attempts at conceptual and discursive emotional incest with literary modeling by Kafka, Proust, Woolf, Joyce, Pound, and Stevens. I tell this story not to drop names, but for reasons of ego and commerce. I want to work seriously with a unique community of writers, scholars, and critics in a program which, while current, is not overly specific.

As a kid my dad thought my art was an “unruly multisubjective activity.” That made me feel I was a multidimensional management consultant in pursuit of lush plants, plump pillows, experimental nonlinear interactive space: in other words, of one wonderfully nurturing self-loving something. As I have grown deeper, I have continued to rediscover that my creativity requires a sense of flow and stability different from other’s humility. I believe that the rituals of power and authority which traverse your writing package will fully open to me this sense of abundance — will allow me to perfect my craft and to immerse myself luxuriously in a rewarding publishing and teaching career. In return, I am certain I can contribute to your collective intellectual process by helping your institution maintain its competitive synchronicity.

The Boring Man and the Sea

My cranky review of Jason’s Low Moon is online at Comixology. Here’s a selection:

As this indicates, Jason’s stories, like his pictures, are resolutely stripped of filigree. There’s no text boxes, and often not a lot of words. Open to any page and you’re likely to find some blank-faced animal staring meaningfully at something or other. The narratives unfold with a bleak, unexplicated inevitability. In “Emily Says Hello,” a hit man reports to his female employer on a series of successful murders, in return for which he receives an escalating series of sexual favors. Then things end badly. In “Proto Film Noir,” guy and gal meet, fuck, and kill gal’s husband…repeatedly, because he keeps coming back form the dead to have breakfast. Then things end badly. In “You Are Here,” a woman is abducted by aliens; her husband spends the rest of his life building a spaceship while her son grows up, gets married, gets divorced, and eventually joins his dad seeking her in the vastness of space. Then things end badly. And also poignantly.